


A Second Chance

by beingalive



Series: A Klaine Encounter [2]
Category: Brief Encounter (1945), Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1960s, M/M, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-23
Updated: 2013-05-24
Packaged: 2017-12-12 18:56:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/814885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beingalive/pseuds/beingalive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to my story 'A Klaine Encounter' - Glee crossover with the film 'Brief Encounter'.</p><p>Blaine and Kurt meet again twenty years later and so much has changed. This is Blaine's story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A considerable amount of time has lapsed since I last saw this place. The refreshments room at Milford station seems to have changed from the small little café it once was but the counter is just the same and the cakes are still hidden underneath their glass covers. The people have come and gone, the porters, the landlady all changed and moved on, only the railway keeps going, a stark reminder of love and pain that was experienced here. The steam trains have been replaced by a faster, more efficient train service and times are quicker but looking around as I drink my tea, I can’t imagine that such a precious thing such as love could be experienced here in the hustle of station life. People come along, desperate to grab drinks before they start their train journey – no conversation is enjoyed and it seems everyone keeps themselves to themselves, not daring to ask or trying to fathom what makes others tick, what makes life go along the same old journey as before.  
I have been back from Johannesburg for a few months now – the hospital recently renovated, expanded to include other departments and it has been run efficiently, needing many more managers than just me. It has made enough money to ensure I can live out my days in England carefree, whilst it continues to provide the care and help it always has done. I have made a success of it; I know I leave it in capable hands, my son following in my footsteps. He always made his mother and me very proud. Madeline of course hated the weather and was constantly ill during our time there and being small and rather delicate, it was perhaps cruel of me to expect her to survive well in such a country. She died last year and after settling my affairs in Johannesburg, already preparing to leave the hospital to my sons who had made lives out there for themselves, finding their own wives and starting families, I came back home. Here to England.  
And what a strange place it is now, I find as I return home. I have a small place in Wanstead, near the park and I find it pleasant and homely but I have forgotten what being alone really feels like, here in a place where friends have moved on and family here are no longer alive. All relatives still residing in Johannesburg, I have left behind all I have known for the last twenty years and find there is nothing here for me now. Nothing except a man I once knew, a man I fell in love with.  
I don’t know why I sit here, hoping, praying that he might still be here when I know his life must have moved on. How can it not - just like the trains, journeys are taken, paths entwined and then diverge again and who’s to say if we will ever meet again. Love may always remain lost.  
I decide to quickly take a walk through the park before I return to my lonely flat. I think of playing my piano later and imagining Kurt’s voice, undulating and melodious and wishing I had the chance of hearing him sing just once before I grow old and die.

xXx

I come back to the train station the following week, a Thursday which once meant so much to Kurt and I and I think back to all the conversations we had here, the declarations and the goodbyes. I wonder if Kurt remembers these things too, whether he still comes back to this station. I wonder what he must be doing now, his children all grown up, how he must have changed after twenty years. Maybe he never thinks of me, did I mean as much to him as I know he meant to me?  
It pains me as I sit eating my tea cake waiting for my train that his life may have gone on so well without me but really I do wish he has enjoyed his life and that he has been happy. I have had a good life really, Madeline always doing her best to make me feel happy and content. She did so well in Johannesburg, was such an excellent mother, I couldn’t have asked for a better wife really and I hope she was happy in her life and that she never knew how much I wished for another existence. Despite not being the person I truly wanted to spend my life with she was admirable and loving and I know my sons became the magnificent men they are today because of her tender loving care and morals.  
My train is announced over the loud speaker, now no longer a bell and I get up to walk to my platform to await the approaching train. The steam no longer gusts nor pierces through the dreary silence of the platform and I stand and wait patiently. That is when I see him.  
He is stood on the other side of the platform, awaiting his train in the opposite direction, a gulf in front of us, the train tracks baring me from him. He looks sombre, staring down at the tracks in front of him but when he looks up and his eyes alight on mine, a flicker of recognition shoots across his face and his mouth opens. He appears to say something and I start forward, almost so desperate to touch him again that I forget the tracks ahead of me. I halt just as the train approaches and he is covered. I vaguely see him through the windows of the train, a blur of blacks and greys and I start to run down the ramp that has never changed, despite the twenty years that have aged me well. I run and hope, and my heart thumps wildly in my chest.  
We meet halfway and we stop, at least fifty yards between us. There is no movie slow motion run as we bound to each other but now I get a closer look and it is unmistakably Kurt. He has aged, his face showing lines where there were none before but I see him, his body all straight lines and perfect poise as we walk towards each other. He starts to smile and his blue eyes twinkle, those blue eyes that first brought me to him, just a simple piece of flint. Suddenly he is in front of me.  
“Blaine?” He asks timidly, “Is it really you?”  
I can only nod, my face displaying a wide smile and his arms are suddenly around my shoulders and holding me close and I melt in his arms, tugging him closer, so close that I can feel his raging heart beat beneath his shirt. I smell his hair and notice for the first time, the grey that is now amongst the chestnut brown I remember. His back is still firm and strong and I can’t help but run my fingers over it.  
“What are you doing here?” he asks incredulously as we part and I notice tears have pooled in his eyes but a smile graces his lips. “I thought I’d never see you again,” he whispers and I realise I’ve not said one word to him.  
“We need a drink,” I say, almost taking him by the hand, but remembering just in time. Suddenly I am aware that he may still have a wife and family and we are not free to love. So much time has passed, things can never be like they were before but we start to walk to the refreshment room where we first loved, where we said goodbye amidst chatter from Fred and we order tea and sit like we once did.  
“I thought I’d never see you again,” he repeats once we are settled with our tea, he stares at me openly, as if I might vanish and he shakes his head in disbelief.  
“I came back a few months ago, I left the hospital and my son now leads the work there. I have a small flat in Wanstead,” I say, filling in his gaps.  
“And your wife?”  
“She died last year,” I say quietly and Kurt looks sad at the news but I know what this means and I don’t want to hope, can’t bear the thought that this may not be. There is silence for the longest time until Kurt continues.  
“You look quite different; I almost couldn’t believe it was you.”  
“I must have aged terribly,” I said chuckling, “Twenty years will do that to a person.”  
“No,” he said kindly, “I don’t mean that, I mean you seem different, more world weary I guess.”  
“A lot has happened I suppose and nothing at the same time.” I look at him and know he has changed too, know so many things have happened and I can only hope that I will find out more about it all, that I can still have him in my life.  
“I missed you,” I whispered and tears pool in his eyes again at the admission and he shakes his head.  
“I’m sorry Blaine, I can’t,” he said, looking down. I waited for what seemed the longest time. I decided to carry on with conversation, remembering my manners I enquired about his family.  
“My children are grown up now. Margaret is married to a banker,” he smiled though it didn’t reach his eyes “And she has children of her own, I’m a grandfather and Bobby went to work as an architect and lives in London.”  
“And Edith?” I ask timidly, already fearing the answer.  
“She’s in a hospice. She has terminal cancer and I have tried to care for her but she has been getting gradually weaker in the last week and I couldn’t look after her. She needs constant care and…” His voice faltered, tears now streaming down his face and he couldn’t continue. His hand was tightly holding onto the handle of his mug of tea and I could only place my fingers gently over his and stroke the top of his warm hand. He looked down at our hands and wiped hastily at his face.  
“I’m sorry Blaine, gosh I’m such a mess…”  
“Don’t be sorry Kurt, I know what it’s like to nurse a sick wife. I feel guilty every day that I brought her there and she must have hated it but she never grumbled, only knew it was what I wanted. Your wife must be getting the best care now and you can care for her when you’re well rested.”  
“No,” he shook his head, “She’s dying slowly Blaine and I’ve just come from a visit. Maggie is there and I think she needed some time alone with her mother. Bobby makes sure he visits often too, they’re good kids.”  
“They take after their father then,” I said, smiling kindly. Kurt shook his head.  
“God no Blaine, I don’t deserve your compliments. I haven’t been a good father of that I’m sure.”  
“What do you mean?” I said, half annoyed, “I know you have Kurt. You gave up your own happiness for them; I think that shows a tremendous amount of love.”  
“They don’t know what real love is though Blaine,” he said sadly, “I never showed them what it really means to love someone. They only saw the tame reserved love between friends, they will never know about the greatest love and I will forever have to hide that from them.”  
“I know,” I said, “My sons of course have both married and I look at their marriages and wonder where they learned about love but maybe some things are never to be taught, only experienced.”  
“Oh definitely,” Kurt said, nodding, “I do love Edith, I do,” he said, almost trying to convince himself, “I care for her, I look after her as best I can and I respect her so much, especially as she tries so hard to live her life when it is slowly being taken away from her. Maybe that’s the only love I can teach them, maybe they know.”  
There was a silence between us then, just a settled hum as people talked around us and we drank our tea. Kurt seemed to avoid my eyes and I gazed around at the people, the couples and the small families planning journeys. Did they have secrets too?  
“I nearly killed myself.” Kurt’s whispers filled the silence, “Here I mean. After you left I went to walk in front of the express train but I stopped just short of the platform and I felt the rush of the steam hit my face. It sounds so melodramatic but I continued on and they say time heals all and it did in a way. But I always dreamt of you, could feel the ghost of your lips on mine and sometimes I would wake in the middle of the night and find my arms reaching out to you when only air surrounded me. I guess I learnt to carry on.”  
I almost gasp. It was the same for me, the phantom touches, the near kisses. I almost believed he was there so often and was so often disappointed. I missed him, started to believe I had forgotten him, wished he was near. Always a dream and never tangible.  
“Do you think we could start again Kurt?” I asked timidly, “Start to meet on Thursdays again or whenever you’re free? I just can’t lose you again…”  
Kurt nods. “I’d like that.”  
I walk Kurt to his platform a little later, still living in the opposite direction to me but I live so near now and I have so much time. He boards and I smile as he leans out the open window from the carriage. It is nearly empty and he returns my smile.  
“Next Thursday?” he asks. I nod.  
“I never stopped Kurt,” I say, “I never stopped loving you.”  
“I know, me too,” he whispers and he’s gone.


	2. Chapter 2

We met the following Thursday as agreed and I was suddenly nervous. It was only as I walked through Wanstead Park, after I waved Kurt off, that my mind started whirring about what had happened since I had last seen Kurt. His circumstances had changed, time was difficult for him at the moment and my re-introduction to his life would only confuse him. I approached the lake underneath the massive hanging trees and sat on a bench that someone had dedicated to their beloved wife Mary. I couldn’t help but consider the possibility that Kurt might not want me in his life to complicate things further. Maybe I should leave him in peace. It had been twenty years, our time had gone perhaps and I had just become a lonely man, with only my thoughts for company.  
I had decided, on my walk back to my flat, that I would see Kurt no more, leave him to return to his wife with no fear of his conscience eating away at him. I couldn’t bear the thought that he would suffer at my hands. I had caused enough pain twenty years ago.  
The idea that he had nearly killed himself, that he had loved me so much, hurt my heart when he told me and I almost couldn’t bear to look at him. I had sat on that train, all those years ago, feeling Kurt slip away from me on the train going in the opposite direction, wondering what I had to live for now. I felt dead inside anyway and I did not welcome the idea that I had to carry on, pretend to my family that everything was hunky dory and travel to South Africa and start a new life. As I sat and watched the sun set from that park bench that evening, dreading the thought of arriving to my flat to find no one there, I thought back to my life there in Johannesburg. In many ways I was cruel to Kurt – at least I had new opportunities, a new mission to accomplish – Kurt had nothing but his banking job and his wife and children. His life, in the twenty years I had missed him, probably hadn’t changed that much.   
My week reflected my thoughts before I met with Kurt on the next Thursday. I met up with old friends, people who had forgotten me but now invited me into their homes for evening dinner with their families. They recommended places to go, hobbies to try in my loneliness but I knew I would need more to occupy my time, now I had so much more of it. I had moments of hilarity with friends in pubs where the buildings had changed beyond recognition. My mood seemed to change as my inability to reach a concrete conclusion regarding Kurt showed itself. I soared thinking of throwing caution to the wind and meeting Kurt regardless of the consequences, at other times when I was lonely in my flat, I would think that Kurt would be better off without me. As I sat waiting in the café at Milford station on that Thursday morning, I decided that Kurt should be allowed to make that decision as so much had been taken away from him before.  
He looked even more haggard and distraught as he entered, his head lower, his shoulders appearing burdened and my heart went out to the poor beautiful man I saw before me. He looked up upon entering and attempted a smile as he sat opposite me. I immediately went to order fresh cups of tea and teacakes.   
“Thank you for meeting me again,” I whisper as he takes the offered tea and he seems to sigh as the steam warms his tired face. He smiles, seemingly ignoring my comment.  
“I think tea really does solve quite a few problems,” he said suddenly but it didn’t seem to remove the sadness etched there.  
“How is Edith?” A flash of pain crosses his face but his British resolve is again a veil he places to protect himself from harm I suppose.  
“She has now got pneumonia,” he says sadly, “There is no hope, I have just visited her and must return this afternoon. Bobby and Maggie are there, but I don’t think she will last long and I shouldn’t be here.”  
“Please Kurt, don’t feel you have to stay, I completely understand that you will want to be with your wife.”  
“No Blaine,” he said suddenly, looking up with wide eyes, “No I need to be here, I need to see you again. I need to believe that you’ll keep coming back, that I will always be able to see you and that you’re not a dream.” He looked as if he was physically exhausted and I wanted to really hug him, impart some love on those tired shoulders, help him to realise he was so adored and that if I could take it all away for him I would.  
“Oh Kurt, I’m no dream, I will be back as often as you want me to be. I left once, I don’t intend to leave again.” I was so sincere, he blushed.   
“Thank you,” he whispered, “I think I love you even more now than I did then, is that silly?”  
“No, I feel the same. I know I never stopped loving you but knowing how you’re hurting and I can’t remove it, kills me. Life was never easy I suppose.”  
“No it’s cruel,” he said with hurt and venom clear in his voice, “Did you hope, when you saw me again, that I would be free, like you are?”  
“I never thought I’d see you again,” I said, “I thought I’d die before I had that pleasure. Just to know you were happy in life would be enough, to know that you fulfilled your dreams and lived life to the full – that’s all I wanted.”  
“Well I didn’t,” he said bitterly, “I never dreamed of doing anything more with my life, never lived life to the full. I can think of nothing that I achieved that was not expected of me.” He looked so angry at himself, such a disappointment, I didn’t know what to say.  
“There is still time,” I said kindly and Kurt’s eyes suddenly filled with tears and I felt panic rise in my chest. I didn’t know what I had said to make him feel that way.  
“I’m sorry Kurt,” I said, reaching for his hand in between us on the table.  
He shook his head but squeezed my hand affectionately. “I never thought I would have time and now it’s been taken from Edith so cruelly I won’t waste mine.”   
He finished his tea and he rose abruptly, donning his coat. “Will you come with me? To see Edith I mean?” he finished upon seeing my confused expression no doubt.  
“Really? You would want me there?”  
“You are a doctor,” he said calmly, “So your presence can be explained and no one needs to know about us. Edith did know of your existence, I spoke about you occasionally and she may be too ill to speak anyway. I can introduce you to Bobby and Maggie.”  
“Do you think that’s wise?”  
He sat back down slowly and I could see he was thinking it through, his emotions written on his face.  
“I think it’s time Blaine.”  
I nodded and he helped me into my coat.

xXx

She was much worse than I had thought. Pneumonia was quite common amongst terminal cancer patients and her treatment had made her weak. She might only have days to live and the doctor in charge of her case, clearly said this to Kurt as he spoke to him in the corner of the room. As Kurt returned to her bedside, I was introduced to Bobby who shook my hand firmly and smiled as well as he could. Kurt explained that I was an old doctor friend of the family that had lived in South Africa for twenty years. Bobby looked as if he wanted to ask me questions about my time there but he seemed to remember where he was and looked to his mother again. She was sleeping although she seemed to be having difficulty breathing. The doctor adjusted her breathing machine and left Kurt to stroke her hand gently. He seemed to forget I was there and I took a seat and watched his angelic face as he cared for her in any way he could. Bobby relayed information about how she had been as Kurt had been away and explained that Maggie was getting tea.  
“She seems to be under the impression that tea solves anything,” Bobby said, laughing ruefully. It had obviously been a family saying and I felt like I was intruding. Kurt had built a life here and I had disappeared. I wished that I had someone here besides Kurt but he suddenly looked at me and smiled.  
“Thank you for coming Blaine,” he said, “Does everything look ok here? I mean do you think she’s getting the best care?”  
“Yes I think so,” I said. Bobby looked carefully at me, trying to work me out I guess but he said nothing.  
“I think I’ll see what Maggie’s getting up to,” he said and stood, exiting quickly.  
“He always was perceptive,” Kurt said, his eyes still remaining on Edith, who seemed to stir in her sleep and a pained expression appeared.  
“Maybe I should go Kurt,” I said, feeling awkward and Kurt looked up as if that was a ridiculous notion.  
“Will you be ok?” he asked, and I almost laughed until I realised he was serious. He had such compassion, he seemed to forget his own suffering.  
“Yes, I’ll be ok,” I said, donning my coat, “Will you?”  
“Yes, thank you for coming with me Blaine, it helped me.” It had been such a short visit I was unsure how I could have been any help but I smiled slightly anyway.   
“I’m glad Kurt,” I walked over to his side where he sat next to Edith and I stroked his arm tenderly. He continued to look at Edith but I could hear the tears in his voice as he started speaking.   
“Please see me next Thursday,” he whispered, almost begging.  
“Always.” 

xXx

I met him again the following Thursday but this time I took the car and met him outside the station. The refreshments room had become a dismal soulless place since we had last been there twenty years ago and I thought Kurt would want a change of scenery. He looked like he had been crying as he approached the station, his eyes red rimmed and puffy.   
“Kurt?”  
“She died,” he whispered, his voice choked and I immediately hugged him close. I could feel his shoulders shake as I brought him closer, cries wracking his body. Once he was spent he parted from me, grabbing his handkerchief to mop his eyes.   
“I’m sorry,” he said embarrassed.  
“Don’t be ridiculous Kurt, let’s go for a drive.”  
We sat in the car in silence for a while before I got the courage to ask about Edith and his family. He looked pained again, almost as if he was hoping not to mention her at all.  
“She died yesterday and we were all there as she took her final breaths. The nurses were magnificent, always caring, no matter the hour. Only her breathing looked painful but they gave her what they could to alleviate the pain. Bobby is sorting the funeral out today and Maggie has returned to her children.”  
“I’m so sorry Kurt,” I said as I drove us to the countryside, somewhere where we wouldn’t be disturbed. I touched his knee as I looked at the road and I could hear his breath hitch beside me. “I know she meant a lot to you.”  
“I hope she never knew how much I wished to be gone,” he said sadly, “I would sometimes look over at her - she was always so happy to be sewing or completing puzzles and I always felt so dissatisfied. I hope she never knew.” Fresh tears trickled down his face and no more was said.   
“She would never have known Kurt, I’m sure of it. You were always so loving, you would never hurt anyone intentionally.”  
“I know but sometimes I couldn’t hide it and she would ask if I was happy.”  
“What did she say to you this week? Did she know that she was dying?”  
It must have helped that my eyes were on the road as he continued explaining. As I glanced occasionally in his direction I could see his eyes also were resolutely staring at the road.   
“Yes I think she did, my mask kept slipping and she would look at me carefully through tired eyes. I think she wanted the pain to end. The day before she died, she had been given pills to ease the pain and Bobby and Maggie went home for dinner. I stayed and she touched my hand gently, imploring me to tell her the truth when I answered her. She asked if she had lived a good life, whether she had made me happy.” He swallowed fiercely and I thought for a moment that he might not be able to continue but he did. “I didn’t know what to say to her but I suddenly knew she would recognise a lie so I told her the truth. I said she had lived an exemplary life and was always admired for her bravery and moral standing. I said she had been an excellent wife and mother, bringing up her children beautifully and that she should have no regrets. Her life had been beautiful.”  
“Did she question you any further on your happiness?”  
“No, I glossed over the answer, covering it with truths about her but as I finished she paused, looking at me carefully before she said that she was glad.” There was a long silence and I didn’t prompt him any further, he already seemed lost in his own thoughts.  
“She knew,” he said simply.

xXx

We ordered lunch at the pub we had visited before, all those years ago. The owners had obviously changed but on inspection and enquiry it transpired that the original owners were still alive but elderly and their son had taken over, keeping the family feel to the pub. We ordered lunch and sat in a corner, hoping not to be disturbed further. Kurt looked morose but almost as if a burden had been taken from him, at least he had spoken to someone about it. I hoped I would always be the person he would be able to speak truth to.   
“How have you been Blaine?” he asked suddenly, “All this talk of me and none of you.”  
“Oh, I’m ok, I’ve been fine.” I always tried to brush feelings aside, so much time holding myself together and not showing the world what I really wanted. I suppose a habit of twenty years doesn’t go away quickly. He smiled.  
“It’s me,” he whispered, coming in closer, “You can tell me the truth.” He smiled encouragingly and all of a sudden I wanted to kiss him, make him closer somehow.   
“I’ve been lonely I suppose,” I said, finally admitting the truth, “It’s been strange to be back in England where everyone has moved on and they have their own lives. I’ve met up with old friends but I find it hard to occupy my time, now that I have so much of it. Do you still work at the bank?”  
“Yes but my role has changed as the years have gone on. I still manage to get out of the office on Thursday, though for a while it was too painful to have a day off, so I worked the full week for several years.” I nodded in understanding.   
“What did you really want to do with your time when you were little? What was your dream job?” he asked and I must have looked surprised that the topic was brought back to me because he smiled sweetly.  
“I suppose I really wanted to be a singer. I learnt to play the piano when I was little but when I became a teenager my dad really wanted me to have a stable profession and I enjoyed caring for others. I knew I could make a career out of being a doctor and I don’t regret it. It had to be a vocation really, a passion of sorts and I enjoyed my time out in Johannesburg.”  
“But now you have time – what will you do with it?”  
“I play the piano in my flat most days and walk around the park. I occasionally meet friends but I know I need to find something to occupy my time. I can already feel myself going a little crazy.”  
“Why don’t you sing? Have you ever been to the Stafford Hotel?” I shook my head. “It’s a lovely quaint hotel which has been around for years but has an odd little bar which seems to transport you to an old world or a money boys’ club. It has plush leather seats and reminds me of those great American club houses, where people of ‘old money’ go to drink whiskey and comment on their game of golf. It has quite a collection of carvings and pictures as the story goes that a guest commented on the bare walls and once brought a carving of an American eagle, which was soon followed a kangaroo given by an Australian. The walls are filled now with ties, model airplanes, photos and other historical artefacts hanging from the ceilings and attached to the walls. They have the greatest piano in the corner and people are invited to play. Maybe you could play there? Prepare songs to sing?”  
I didn’t know what to say. Kurt had given me a purpose, something to discover and enjoy and he couldn’t possibly know how important it was to me but it felt like a life line. Tears pooled in my eyes and I blinked them away, aware that I had no reason to cry but Kurt noticed and smiled gently. He said no more but I knew he understood.   
We spoke about the lives we had missed and hours seemed to fly by before Kurt said he should get back to Bobby and Maggie. He showed me pictures of his grandchildren and I mentioned that he didn’t look old enough, to which he laughed and said she had married young. He was staying with Maggie until the funeral and he cringed at the thought of the young children that had been keeping him awake at night.  
“They may look cute in the pictures but they can sure make noise,” he said, laughing slightly.   
I drove him back to the station, our place that we would always return to I hoped. I walked him to the platform and I suggested we meet on Thursday in two weeks time, knowing that the funeral was on Wednesday and Kurt would need time. As he was about to get on the train from an empty platform, I grabbed him quickly and kissed him on the cheek. He looked startled as he stood by the open window by the door but he soon waved, thanking me for a lovely time. He smiled, then mouthed ‘I love you’ as the train whirred into life and went away. The two weeks would feel a long time before I saw him again but now I had hope, now I knew love again and I walked down the platform after the train left, a spring in my step and a song in my heart, for the man of my dreams had returned.


	3. Chapter 3

The knowledge that I had survived twenty years without Kurt seemed utterly ridiculous to me as I spent the following two weeks alone. I missed Kurt like crazy and the thought of seeing him again filled my mind. To make an effort to occupy my time and to make an effort to re-establish myself in England I visited patients at the hospice where Edith had spent her final weeks. I knew Kurt wouldn’t visit again as her room had been cleared and I would never want to intrude on his space but I felt that I could do some good there. I decided to speak to a leading doctor there and ask if I could work there on a voluntary basis. He looked at me as if I was mad but after checking my credentials and discussing my hospital in Johannesburg he said I could help as often as I wanted.   
After a few days of playing the piano at my own flat and walking the park aimlessly looking for something to become a little clearer, I decided to go to the bar that Kurt had suggested – the American bar at the Stafford hotel. I made sure I was dressed appropriately in a suit and bow tie and I instantly realised I had made the right choice. There were only a few older men there during the day, dressed in a similar way to me but I sat with a whiskey, then a cup of tea, reading a paper and tinkling on the piano. It seemed a home away from home and it was only as I left and felt the cooler breeze hit my cheeks, that I realised I had felt at ease there, as if I was somewhere else, transported to a simpler time. I realised I truly was getting old.  
I returned the following day but decided this time to try an evening, when the crowd may be different and the atmosphere altered. I was not disappointed. The place was fuller and a mixture of couples – young and old as well as groups of well-respected literary folk. The piano again was free and I tinkled again, not really concentrating on what I was playing.  
As I sat there playing, images of Kurt flew to mind, younger, more free in his love despite his marriage and the illicit nature of our affair. I could remember his laugh, his smile, his eyes twinkling, his beauty. In many ways he had never changed. In other ways he had become more cautious, more reticent and I was unsure how our relationship would continue. I had wanted more for so long, it seemed it was a yearning deep in my soul and I soon found myself playing the song from the play Private Lives that I had seen in London before I left for Johannesburg, with Madeline and another couple we knew – their names escape me now. I knew I had to play it to Kurt when I saw him and I suddenly couldn’t wait.  
The following ten days dragged until the Thursday I was to meet Kurt again. I was so eager to see him, I was too early but I drank tea at the station, looking anxiously at the door, awaiting his sweet face. I knew his face would tell a thousand stories and I would know how to proceed with the afternoon.  
He entered looking around anxiously as if the two week wait to see him again would have me avoiding this place, not wanting to wait any longer. I had waited twenty years – two weeks was torture but I would always return, never give up. His eyes alighted on mine and he smiled as he walked over.  
“Can we go to the bar like you suggested?” I ask as he goes to sit down opposite me and I stand.  
“Of course, if you want to,” he says, smiling at my change in attitude no doubt.   
As we walk to the hotel, I ask tentatively how his last week has been, and he nods.  
“It was a tough week but it is over now and life has to move on,” he said matter-of-factly and I knew he was hiding a myriad of guilt and sadness.   
“Kurt,” I said, stopping him in the street by resting my hand on his arm, “We can go at whatever speed you’re comfortable with, there is no rush.”  
“I know Blaine,” he said, smiling at my gesture, “But we have a lot of catching up to do, life is for the living and I know this seems strange but I feel like I’m finally living mine.”  
“No, it’s not strange,” I reassure him, “I feel the same.”  
We continue to walk to the hotel and Kurt smiles when he approaches.  
“I haven’t been here in a while and it always brightens up my day. I always used to think of you here, even though you’d never been and I liked to come here on my Thursdays.”   
We entered the court side of the hotel, leading to the bar that was tucked underneath, its steps leading to the rest of the room spread before us. There was only one man, sitting in a comfy chair, who suddenly folded his newspaper and made his exit. We were alone, the barman flitting in and out to tend to jobs around the place. We ordered drinks and the barman disappeared again.  
“Is this why you liked it here, because it’s so quiet?” I asked.  
“Yes, but I think they understand here. It’s never mentioned but I see it as a safe place, no judgement, no one really cares. It’s as if there is a code of secrecy - what happens in this place, stays in this place.”  
“It’s quite freeing then?” I say. Kurt nods. “I felt that too, I’ve been singing here for a few days, just tinkling but no one pays any heed and it’s liberating. They don’t dislike the music, but it does not involve them and they are quite happy with that.”  
“Can you play something for me now?” Kurt asks timidly and I nod, worried my voice will betray my sudden emotion.   
I start to play, avoiding Kurt’s eyes, knowing he is watching closely but near the back of the room, sipping his drink.

When one is lonely the days are long  
You seem so near  
But never appear  
Each night I sing you a lover's song  
Please try to hear  
My dear, my dear

I think back to that station, the tunnels where we kissed secretly, the times I have sung to him, almost dreamt him, convinced he was real, only to wake to find him gone. I look up at him now, watching me so intently, I love him even more.

Someday I’ll find you  
Moonlight behind you  
True to the dream I am dreaming  
As I draw near you  
You'll smile a little smile;  
For a little while  
We shall stand  
Hand in hand

I'll leave you never  
Love you forever  
All our past sorrow redeeming  
Try to make it true  
Say you love me too  
Someday I’ll find you again

And I know I have found him. I know we belong together and he is mine. I need to tell him before he leaves again but as I walk away from the piano, the song finished, he looks at me. He knows already, he feels the same and we can finally say it.  
“That was perfect Blaine,” he says, “I love you.” He whispers the last phrase, in order to keep it between us.  
“I love you too Kurt.” I reach my hand tentatively towards his that is resting on the table in front of us and just lay it on top, this simple gesture something so new, something forbidden for so long. I start to stroke along the vein on his hand while we continue speaking.  
“Do you ever think that how we feel is wrong?” Kurt asked timidly, already anxiously checking the barman had not returned.  
“No,” I said, worried that he thought it was, “I think it is a different kind of love and people aren’t used to it being referred to but it is one of the oldest loves. I don’t care what people think Kurt, I’m tired of hiding, I’m getting too old.”  
“I feel the same,” he said, trying to force himself to feel more confident. “I guess I worry what my family will think.”  
“We don’t have to tell them, I mean my sons are in South Africa, they have built their own lives.”  
“But Bobby and Maggie live here and I will see them often.”  
“It doesn’t matter Kurt, I don’t mind being a separate part of your life, I completely understand the need for discretion but I do hope you won’t leave my life again. I don’t think I could bear it.” I was surprised at the need in my voice and it didn’t escape Kurt who looked at me earnestly.  
“You would consider being a part of my life that way? Like a dirty secret?”   
I couldn’t decide if Kurt was hurt with me or angry at the world. “I wish we could live out in the open but the world is not an easy place to live in and I think we would need to be a secret, at least for a while.”  
He seemed to consider this for a while, then nodded. “I don’t blame you Blaine, I know the world is intolerant but I would one day like to introduce you to my family in the proper way. But as you say, maybe that will take time.”  
“And we’ve only just met again,” I finish, “Maybe we should take some time to get to know each other again.”  
“Ok, ask me a question,” he said playfully, “What would you like to know?”  
“Ok, but only if you ask me questions too, then it’s fair,” I said smiling.  
“Ok, me first: when did you first notice you were different?” Wow, Kurt was starting with the big questions.  
“Uh, I don’t know really. I knew Madeline was beautiful and we had enough in common for me to know that we would get along but I never really found her attractive in that way,” I said, waving my hand to indicate sexual attraction and finding myself blushing. “We obviously had sex,” I whispered, “But I often closed my eyes.”  
“Did you imagine other people?” He asked and I had never seen him as red as he was then.   
“Not particular people, just a heaviness, just a desire to be completely taken but after I met you, well I….”  
Kurt seemed to understand and he smirked slightly but did not press further.  
“Your turn, your question,” he said.  
I thought for a while then realised I had the perfect question.  
“If you had your time again, if you could be anything, what would you be?”  
He looked a little startled at me asking such a personal question, but he answered.  
“A singer,” he didn’t hesitate, “I always dreamt of singing on a stage.”  
“Why don’t you? Now I mean?”  
“I couldn’t now Blaine,” he said sadly, almost like explaining something so basic to a child, “I’m too old.”  
“Perhaps for the stage but you can still do what you love. I think dreams just have to change and morph slightly, but you should never give up.”   
Kurt nodded but he seemed to be just tolerating my explanation, not really believing it for himself.  
“Come with me now,” I said, getting up abruptly and putting on my coat.  
“Where are you going?” he asked, surprised.  
“Home and you need to come too,” I said confidently and he suddenly looked startled at the suggestion, perhaps memories flitting across his mind of an earlier time where we had so nearly crossed all boundaries.  
“I don’t know Blaine,” he muttered, shaking his head.  
“Please Kurt,” I said, reaching for his hand, “Trust me.” He looked up at me, his clear blue eyes searching mine and he nodded, reaching the conclusion, hopefully, that he could trust me.  
We reached my flat after a relatively short bus journey and limited chat and as we entered my building, he looked around.   
“It’s beautiful here Blaine, you’re really lucky,” he said and seemed to spot the view from the small balcony as he spoke. He wandered over and gasped at the sight of the park from my building and smiled. As he turned he noticed me staring at him, I couldn’t help but revel in his beauty. He looked so serene with the light behind him silhouetting him, making his black suit and the sharp contours of his body seem solid and strong. He looked so masculine and I wanted to hug him close to feel his soft skin and his slim muscles beneath my fingers.  
He smiled at my gaze and I knew he felt exposed and scrutinised. I walked over to the piano and beckoned him a little closer. He sat on the stool beside me, watching my fingers grace the piano, almost mesmerised at how they moved. He seemed lost in thought until he recognised the song I was playing and tentatively starting singing along.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

He stood up and walked over to the balcony window, the light continuing its grace and a glow illuminated him, making him look more powerful than ever. 

Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

He closed his eyes, and it was only then that I noticed a single tear trickle down his face but he seemed to be imagining something so I continued to play. I had never heard anything so beautiful and I knew if I died now, that I would be happy. 

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly  
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly  
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

As the piano stopped he opened his eyes, the moment of a dream disappearing and his eyes focused on me once more. I smiled.  
“That was beautiful Kurt,” I whispered.  
He turned to face the view, unable to say what he wanted and I made him a coffee in the hope that we could talk after he had collected himself. I loved that about him - that he wanted to deal with things on his own but I really hoped he would take me along with him.  
I returned a while later carrying a tray of mugs of coffee and a plate of biscuits to find him sitting staring straight ahead.   
“I had forgotten,” he whispered, as he continued to stare at something in the distance. “I had forgotten what it felt like to sing, thank you Blaine.” He looked up at me, as if for the first time and I smiled, glad that I had brought him that at least.  
“You should sing more often, Kurt, I mean you’re welcome to sing here. I love playing my piano and it gets lonely singing sad songs all by myself,” I chuckled slightly, taking a seat next to him.   
“I think I’d rather kiss you, if that’s ok?” He asked so assuredly, confident of what he wanted and it was so unexpected, I choked on my coffee and coughed repeatedly until Kurt patted my back gently.  
“I’m sorry,” he said, smiling, “Perhaps I cannot get away with statements like that.”  
I laughed. In his bid to help me recover from my coughing his hand was repeatedly rubbing my back, getting slower and slower until I could only close my eyes, the intimacy something I had dreamt of for so long. I could feel his breath along my cheek before I realised what was happening and I could suddenly feel his lips against my cheek, so soft, so sweet. I could hear my breath hitch and I turned my face, my lips to meet his. His lips were exactly liked I remembered, and I realised I had not imagined the kisses, I hadn’t imagined the intimacy. I leant closer, deepening the kiss and I tentatively kissed his bottom lip, almost sucking it between my teeth. I could feel the flutter of eyelashes and my hand held his face. I had never felt this with Madeline, never the wonder of someone else’s lips and tongue. I could feel my heart start to beat wildly, my cheeks warming and I leant forward, making Kurt now lie back. We kissed for what seemed hours, barely parting to take breaths and I realised I had never felt more complete. Whoever said this was sinful was completely wrong. This was where I belonged.   
Our lips finally parted and Kurt lay fully back, his eyes wide and pupils dark. His lips looked cherry red, completely kissed and he had never looked more gorgeous. I couldn’t help but sink back in and devour those beautiful lips more, make up for lost time and in a place where we were completely free. I could feel myself harden and felt a little lost at this new sensation. I had never experienced such arousal through kissing alone and I didn’t want to scare Kurt off but soon we came closer and I knew he could feel it. Instead of alarming him, he moaned slightly at the contact and thrust himself lightly towards me, showing me he felt the same. We did nothing about it that day but I knew we could in the future, that what happened here was between us and that nothing could stop us now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs quoted:   
> ‘Someday I’ll Find You’ from ‘Private Lives’ written by Noel Coward   
> ‘Blackbird’ by The Beatles


	4. Chapter 4

I met Kurt the following Thursday and despite my time being filled with hospice visits and singing and playing the piano at the Stafford hotel, I was almost desperate to see him that morning.  
We continued to meet at the station, the place we had first met and subsequently parted and said goodbye. It seemed safe and contained and although we couldn’t act the way we freely wanted to, the place had such an air of rush and chaos no one seemed to mind us or care what we said. We were anonymous and irrelevant there, which is just what we craved.  
He looked happy to see me and instantly smiled when his eyes alighted on my open face. We decided to walk the short distance through the park and to my flat, deciding to wander and see how the day unfolded, no real plans made, just happy in each other’s company. He seemed lighter as he walked and I asked how his week had been.  
“Blaine you must stop caring about me at the expense of yourself,” he said, laughing as he chastised me. “I want to know how your week has been. What have you done this week?”  
“I have done many things,” I said brightly, excited to relay my news to someone special now, someone who cared and wanted to know more about me. We agreed to sit in a café we could see near the park and we ordered from the waitress that came to take our order.  
“So what have you done?” he smiled.   
“I have sung and played at the Stafford again, several times actually. So many in fact that I am now considered a regular and the bar staff know my drink orders. I have chatted to a few people that frequent the place and I have tried both daytime and evening and it is fantastic really.”  
There is a pause before I continue, realising Kurt needs my honesty and I should have asked before but I go on regardless and hope.  
“I was going to mention it before but your question makes it come up earlier than I intended and before I say what I have been doing, I apologise because I should have asked your opinion and I will definitely stop going if you want me to.” Kurt was clearly intrigued, merely raised an eyebrow and let me continue. “I have been volunteering at the hospice where Edith resided in her last days, I have been helping there.”  
Kurt looked taken aback, his eyes wide and as I could see his mind processing this new information he then nodded, as if agreeing in his head.  
“That is very noble of you,” he said.  
“Oh Kurt, I don’t need your praise, I do it for good that is all. I want you to know that I only started after Edith had passed and I knew you would not be there again. I would never encroach on your time with your family or turn up where I wasn’t wanted.”  
“Blaine,” he said, gently resting his hand on mine, “I understand, thank you for apologising but it’s not necessary. I think it’s great what you’re doing and you don’t need my permission. Have you seen many cases like Edith?”  
“Unfortunately, you see the hospice is primarily for terminal cases, generally where their loved ones cannot support or look after them anymore. They often have cases of pneumonia or an illness caused by their low immune system and they pass away due to complications. The hospice makes their last few days more bearable.”  
“How sad,” Kurt says and lowers his head. “I am glad you do that Blaine,” he says after a while and when he raises his head, it is clear he has been mastering his emotions and he has won. No tears are evident in his eyes but he has battled.   
As we eat we talk of more pleasant things, like films we have seen over the years we have been apart, books we have read, music we have played. So much has happened in the news regarding world events in the last twenty years we have been apart, it is nice to be able to share opinions that truly reflect our character and lives. Kurt discusses and shares pictures of Maggie and her children and we decide to walk soon after to a building that Bobby has designed himself. It is clear that Kurt is proud of his children and their achievements but he seems to be under the impression that Edith brought these children up so well, all on her own without any help or guidance from him.  
“They take after their father then,” I said, “Talented and compassionate?” I smile but Kurt takes this as a slight mockery of his life and doesn’t smile.  
“I don’t think that describes me at all,” he said sadly.  
“No you’re wrong,” I said as I stop him fiercely with my hand on his arm and my eyes wide and pleading. “You’re wrong Kurt, you’re extremely compassionate, and your voice…. It’s amazing, and you brought your children up in the best way possible. They would not be the upstanding people they are now, with their own children and their careers if you did not.” I had finished my rant and suddenly felt slightly ridiculous but Kurt only smiled as my hand retreated.  
“Thank you,” he whispered as we continued to walk through the park and towards my flat.

xXx

Getting to my flat felt like we had reached our final destination; as I clicked the door shut behind me I rested my back on the wood of the front door and smiled shyly at him. He looked nervous, like he had anticipated this situation but not knowing how to proceed we stood there, anxiously awaiting the other to make the first move. I stepped forward as he did the same and we laughed. I pressed back and he was mere inches from my face when he smiled and leaned in, closing the little gap between us. It was so slow and his lips barely gracing mine, I could feel the tingle along my spine at the contact and I melted against him. I couldn’t believe a mere kiss could make me feel this way, just the tiniest of contact and I craved him, more of the gentle touch, more of his intoxicating scent.  
We kissed slowly then he became more confident, our tongues meeting and so wet I could feel myself harden again. He pressed closer as my hands wove their way around his strong back. He gasped at the close contact, the press of my obvious arousal against his own and he stepped back, his pupils dark and his face one of open amazement.  
“Can we go to your bedroom?” he asked and I knew the courage that must have taken, the worry he must have felt and I must have practically beamed at him as I nodded, as his cheeks flushed and I took his hand.  
I led him to my bedroom, closed the door and took off my jacket, my shoes already in the hallway. I felt like this was a monumental moment for us, like we were finally here after all this time. I was nervous and realised only one other person had seen me naked, now Kurt would see all of me and my imperfections. My age would show in my body I was sure and I silently cursed that we had not done this when we were younger. Kurt looked just as apprehensive and he smiled, taking my hand in his and standing before me.  
“I’ve wanted this for so long Blaine,” he whispered and his eyes twinkled. My worries disappeared seeing his loving gaze and I knew that despite our age this would feel like our first time and we were here together. He started unbuttoning my shirt and I was silently thankful that Kurt had found a confidence that I lacked. I soon started unbuttoning his shirt too and my hands went tentatively to his belt which I unhooked and his trousers fell down as mine did the same. I felt silly stood there in my underwear but we removed them quickly together. I remembered my first time with Madeline where we had both undressed under the covers and barely looked at each other. It was cursory, something that needed to be done and I don’t think it was particularly enjoyable to either party. Here with Kurt I knew it meant so much more. My eyes drank in his body and although he blushed under my scrutiny, I was thankful he looked pleased at what he saw of me. His shoulders were strong and firm and as I leant in to touch, his skin was so soft under my fingers. He brought me closer to the bed where we nestled against each other under the covers, now no hiding but gazing lovingly, my eyes having their fill of the wonderful sight before me.   
We kissed and touched for what seemed like hours and I felt like I had been hard for so much longer. Eventually our hands travelled lower, my fingers caressing his lower back, feeling the dimples there and he leant into the touch, as if his very skin came alive at the stroke of my fingertips. He leant me backwards so I was fully on my back and he smiled, stroking along my chest.  
“You’re so beautiful Blaine,” he whispered, “I can’t believe you’re here and we’re free.” I knew he needed to do this, be in control and I was glad to lie back and take his tender fingers and his sweet kisses along my collarbone. His hands tentatively drifted lower and I could feel his fingers hover over me, asking for permission which I gave by nodding. I had never wanted something so much in my whole life and like a child in a sweet shop, I am never going to limit how much I can enjoy. I will take everything I am given.   
He stroked me tenderly and I gasped at the intimate touch, which felt so alien but oh so right. It was so long since anyone had touched me like that but with Kurt it felt like we should have had this all along, in another life we were each other’s firsts.  
His thumb grazed along the head, his grasp firm and slow, and I felt desperate to touch what I could, my fingers stroking any skin I could find. I kissed him where I could, when his lips suddenly lowered and he nibbled at my ear, which I never knew would drive me so insane. He laughed at my obvious pleasure as he brought me closer to the edge. I couldn’t help it or contain myself any longer. I flipped us over so the position was reversed and it is suddenly my turn to kiss, to nibble and lick in places I never was allowed to before. His skin is so pale it appears to glow and come alive under my touch and kiss. He mewled in pleasure and I know he was enjoying it like water in a desert after such a search. He is desperate for more so my hand goes lower and I touch him, knowing I am smiling at the pleasure it gives to finally place my hand there. He moans in pleasure and I know I want to hear that sound again, my hand moving quicker and firmer so his back arches and he groans in desperation for more. I love to watch him come undone beneath me and he suddenly grasps my arm with his free hand in warning that he is close and I watch as his back does a final arch underneath me and he comes with a shout, shooting come along his own chest and stomach. I have always wondered what it might taste like and as he opens his eyes and looks so blissfully happy and sated, I lick hesitantly at the juncture between my thumb and index finger and taste Kurt who gapes at the gesture.   
“That was amazing,” he says as he continues to come down from the high and I start to ache to have the same experience at his touch. I feel like a teenager, desperate and horny and I know it will exceed all I have ever dreamt. He leans over me, placing me on my back, the mess disregarded. He has remembered the weight I have craved, the heaviness I dreamt of hovering over me. His chest rests on my chest and he rises and falls with my breath. He kisses me slowly and moves over me, causing delicious friction where it is so desired. I have waited so long to come, seen such an amazing sight and heard such fantastic noises I know I won’t last long and Kurt moves slightly quicker. He presses just right and he feels so perfect above me, that I raise my own hips once or twice and I am coming between us, making a glorious mess and he smiles, pleased at the sounds of pleasure that escape my lips.   
“You look so beautiful Kurt,” I whisper as if it is just our secret and he continues to weigh heavily on top of me, making me feel so complete.  
After a while, languid kisses take over and he steps away from me and the bed, leaving me feeling cold. He returns with a cloth and cleans the mess between us but I can’t take the space anymore and I pull him next to me, where he slips into the place between my chest and shoulder. He places his fingers lightly on my chest, makes circular patterns along my skin and I realise this is perfect. We lie there for what seems like hours and take in each other as we stroke again, never quite getting enough. It is suddenly like permission has been given and enjoyment can proceed because after a while it gets more heated between us and strokes more fervent, bringing us ever closer to the edge of pleasure. I know I will never be sated, know I will never get enough of him and his beauty and I close my eyes afterwards, knowing that I would be quite happy to stay here forever, my arms surrounding the man I love and cherish.


	5. Chapter 5

We meet most evenings now. As soon as Kurt finishes work we meet for dinner or drinks before sometimes seeing a show or a movie together, just like all those years ago. We can’t be as attentive as I’d like but my fingers sometimes graze his as we walk through the park and he glances at me and smiles, knowing my wish and wanting it too. I have never felt so at ease with another person, able to talk about anything and loving the company. We laugh and joke but we sing together at my flat, my piano now being put to much better use as he sings so beautifully. I hope it is enough for him and that he doesn’t regret too much the choices he has made in life.  
Our relationship keeps progressing and moving forward and I love the new things I have discovered about him. I love how he falls apart at my touch, love how he moans in pleasure because of me. He looks so beautiful and I often look at his profile as he’s feeding the ducks or watching a movie and I wonder how he is mine, how I got to be so lucky.  
We took the next step in our relationship last night and I have never been so nervous. I wanted to do it right, wanted it to be enjoyable. We spoke of it first, Kurt blushing at the discussion but as we spoke of what we would do, his eyes darkened and he crept closer to me on the sofa. I had never wanted someone as much as I did then.  
His eyes looked so trusting but mischievous and he crept onto my lap, his legs either side of my own. He undid my shirt after taking off my jacket and the feel of his fingers stroking my chest, had me closing my eyes already in pleasure. He kissed along my jaw, then neck as he came closer to nibble my earlobe. That always did it for me and I came undone, skin tingling at the pleasure and gripping him closer. I kissed what skin I could, undressing him quickly and loved feeling the soft skin of his back, my hands splayed behind him. His tongue soon played with mine as we kissed deeply and I couldn’t help but exhale in his mouth, so in awe of this gorgeous man in my lap. He suddenly stood and looked down at me still on the sofa, my arousal obvious and embarrassing, as he smirked and held out his hand.  
“Come on, we should continue in the bedroom.”  
“But it was nice yesterday,” I whined. He smirked again and shook his head as if I was a silly child he always liked to indulge. I got up obediently and took his hand as he led me to my own bedroom and undressed me by the door. I always feel so loved when he undresses me, his gaze so adoring that I feel the most attractive man in the world. He kissed everything that he exposed, my shoulders, my chest and hips as he went lower. He licked me as he removed my boxers, his eyes widening at seeing me so close I think. We had had relations but nothing so intimate and the slow sensual licking and kissing made me groan in pleasure. It was so tantalising I was desperate to come already. He sensed I was close as I started to tug his hair and he removed his mouth causing me to whine like a child when candy has been taken away. He laughed but removed his clothes and walked to the bed. I loved how his confidence was growing and he turned back to look at me, gaping open mouthed no doubt. I practically ran to his side and we landed with an oomph and got under the covers, prepared to enjoy each other all over again.   
It always seems like hours go by when we touch and kiss, always on the brink of getting closer and closer. After a while I begged him, so desperate for more and I got up so I could show him what I had managed to procure at the hospice without anyone knowing - surgical lubricant. His eyes widened but then he smiled and shook off the covers a little so his chest was exposed as well as the dusting of hair by the v shape of his hips. I gulped at the sight and he blushed.   
I prepared him well, conscious that it might hurt otherwise. I wanted so desperately to lick him open but I knew that could wait. We had all the time in the world to explore and taste and I suddenly felt tears prick at my eyes at the knowledge that he was mine.  
He soon begged for more so I entered him slowly and as he squeezed his eyes shut at the burn, I waited until he asked for me to move. He felt so tight I was sure I would come soon. We went slowly and as he opened his eyes I knew I loved him more than anyone, more than myself and I would do anything for this man beneath me. I have never felt so connected to another person and now I have him in my life I won’t ever let him go.   
I warned him I was close and I started to stroke him in time to my rhythm. He looked so beautiful as he writhed in pleasure and his eyes closed as he came with a shout. I came soon after.   
I didn’t want to part from him, clinging closer and not caring about the mess between us but after a while he pulled a face and I cleaned us up with a cloth. I snuck back beneath the covers as soon as possible and he crept closer to me, resting his head on my chest.   
I love that he can spend most nights with me, leaving for work early in the morning and we eat breakfast and dinner together. I love not being tied to a job but can be of real use in the hospice and I get to play in the bar. As he laid there on me, his breath slowing, I kissed his head knowing he was close to sleep.  
“I love you Kurt,” I whispered.  
“I love you too,” he said after a while and he sat up on his elbow and smiled, his eyes twinkling.  
“Will you stay?” I asked. He looked at me as if I was asking a ridiculous question.  
“Of course,” he said.  
“I mean forever.” His expression changed to one of deep thought.   
“What will that mean?” he asked. He lay down on the bed but faced me sideways.   
“It will mean we’re in a relationship. They can’t touch us and what we have Kurt. What we do in private will be just that - private. We don’t have to parade the streets making it obvious but I hate that we have to hide and can’t live our lives properly. I love you and should be able to share that with the world.”  
“I want that too but I think we’re a long way from that. What will I tell Maggie and Bobby?”  
“I honestly don’t mind. We can keep it a secret if you like.”  
I completely understood his reticence. My two sons were still in South Africa and would only visit occasionally. I would not have to share my real life with them at all but Kurt still had a life and family here in England. He would need to be discrete and start initiating change gradually.  
“I want to tell them, I think they’ll understand after a while,” he said, his gaze wandering around the room, his mind clearly thinking of all possibilities. I wanted to be there for him, share it with him but I knew he would need to discuss it with them privately. We spent the evening discussing how it would be done and I cooked him dinner. As we sat there eating and then cleaned up the dishes together, I realised I wanted this forever –domesticity with the man I loved and the world could be damned. I had lost him once, now he was here, I hoped he would never leave.


	6. Chapter 6

I loved waking up with Kurt nestled into the space between my neck and shoulder and knowing there was no rush this week was amazing. Kurt had booked a week off work to move his belongings into my flat and he was slowly coming to a decision about his furniture and the state of the house. He knew it was too big for one or even two people but he also didn’t want to sell it without first discussing it with Bobby or Maggie.  
He planned to take them both out for lunch and Maggie was able to leave her children with a neighbour. I wished him luck as he went and kissed him on the cheek. I had never seen him look so apprehensive and I wished I could help him through it. Instead I waited impatiently at my flat, trying to play my piano, eat lunch and generally clean. It seemed to always be a nervous habit of mine to flit between various tasks but I ended up just staring out from the balcony window as Kurt’s car approached my door and I saw him get out with a younger man and lady.   
I had not expected this, this wasn’t in our plan. I stood back from the balcony so they couldn’t see me but I could tell from their austere expressions and awkward body language that they were not looking forward to meeting me. I suddenly started bustling around the flat, making sure it was clean and tidy and that I had enough tea and cake to entertain. I had never felt so nervous. I buzzed them up and waited.  
Kurt was the first to appear by the door when I opened it and he looked worried, biting his lip.   
“I hope you don’t mind Blaine, I thought you might want to meet my children?” He said glancing inside the flat in the hope that I might allow them all inside. I of course walked back to allow them in. Awkward introductions were made, shaking of hands and small kisses on cheeks and I was offering tea. As I stood in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil, Maggie and Bobby sitting straight backed in the living room, Kurt approached me closely from behind and whispered.  
“I am so sorry Blaine,” he said, “I wasn’t intending for them to meet you today but when I told them about you, Maggie insisted on it, especially after Bobby let it slip that he had met you at the hospice.” He looked so nervous, his hands starting to shake, that I took his hands in mine to calm him.  
“Don’t worry Kurt,” I said quietly, “I won’t let you down.” He smiled and nodded.  
“Thank you,” he whispered. We both brought trays of tea and cake into the living room and all that could be heard for a few moments was the gentle sipping of the tea and nervous coughs. Maggie seemed to be avoiding any chance of looking at either Kurt or myself but Bobby, obviously more curious, was looking around the room at the knick-knacks that Kurt had brought over from his house.  
“You have moved in?” Bobby asked, looking directly at Kurt.  
“Yes,” Kurt said and Maggie looked worried, although Bobby just nodded in understanding.  
“And you’re happy?” Bobby asked, still looking at Kurt.  
Kurt looked at me and a small grin graced his face. I loved him so much in that moment, his love shining through, causing his eyes to twinkle. At the realisation of what it all meant he blushed slightly and turned to face both Bobby and Maggie.  
“Yes,” he said simply, “I’ve waited twenty years for this and I have never been happier.”  
Bobby looked like he was processing this information and he finally nodded.  
“How can you be ok with this?” Maggie said, turning to face Bobby angrily, “What about mum? Did she mean nothing?” Bobby looked like he was about to answer but Kurt beat him to it.  
“No of course not,” Kurt said as Maggie turned to face her father, “I loved her very much Maggie, our life together was perfect and it brought me you two but it was never what I was supposed to be. I know that now.”  
“So it was all a lie?” Maggie sat back, finally trying to understand and tears springing to her eyes as she no doubt saw her childhood through different eyes now.  
“No,” Kurt said indignantly and he stood to kneel at her feet until she finally looked at her father. “It wasn’t a lie, I did love her. She was a fantastic woman and a great mother.” Maggie nodded at this. “I wasn’t fair to her, I know that but I spent my whole life with her trying to make up for my failings.”   
“You’ve always liked men?” Maggie said quietly as if disgusted. Kurt only nodded.  
“I don’t think you should see my children again,” she said calmly and Kurt sat back on his feet as if he had been burnt. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing but Bobby suddenly spoke.  
“Maggie that’s not right,” he said, “Dad did what was right by mum, I know he loved her, I could always tell. Our life wasn’t a lie, I get that now.”  
“But it’s a perversion,” she hissed at Bobby, seeming to forget she was in my flat.   
“No it’s not,” he said simply shaking his head, “One of my friends is gay actually and I know it’s not something you can help. Your children won’t ‘catch’ anything by spending time with dad and it would do more damage to their lives to suddenly take their granddad away from them. Real love is all about sacrifice, don’t you think?” He looked at me in question and in my surprise at being addressed, I simply nodded quickly.  
“Do you love my dad?” he asked me sincerely.  
“Yes, very much,” I said without hesitation, “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him, if I’m allowed.”  
“Good,” he said nodding again, “Then you have my blessing.”  
Kurt smiled with such pride and I could see tears working their way down his face, as he remained on the floor in front of Maggie. She looked at each one of us in turn, trying to think things through, understand the situation. In the moments of silence she seemed to remember something.   
“I remember when I had my first boyfriend at school,” she said after what felt the longest time, almost laughing as she looked at the window. “Mum offered me coy advice but clearly didn’t want to discuss it but as you said goodnight, I remember you standing by my door frame and giving me the best piece of advice anyone has ever given me. You asked me how I felt when I saw this boy and you described love so beautifully. You said, if it’s real love, if it’s meant to be, then you always find a way back to each other.” She looked at me closely for the first time that afternoon, her expression unreadable. “I guess you did find a way back to each other,” she said acknowledging our wait and seeming to understand. She suddenly stood. “I guess it’ll take some getting used to but you can do what you want in your own home. You can still see your grandchildren, I won’t be that cruel but I don’t want it mentioned in the house.” Kurt nodded in understanding as he stood too.  
“I’ll see you soon then,” she said, placing her cup and saucer on the table and grabbing her coat.   
“I was going to sell the house I think,” Kurt said timidly, not sure if this was the time to mention it, “Unless you want it now?” Maggie looked taken aback at the quickness of it all but then she smiled.   
“Don’t sell it just yet, I don’t think I want to say goodbye to mum so quickly,” she whispered, her voice breaking and I realised I had forgotten it hadn’t been long ago that this girl had lost her mother. Kurt nodded in understanding and hugged her close to him, whispering something in her ear that I didn’t catch. Bobby stood back, giving them their time and eventually shook my hand in goodbye. He smiled and I could see Kurt’s features in his kind face, although his eyes were much darker, like his mother’s. Maggie turned to me after saying goodbye to Kurt and smiled.  
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad this happy, so thank you for that,” she said and although she didn’t kiss me goodbye or let me put her coat on for her, the tension in the room seemed to have dissipated and I was relieved.  
Kurt walked to the car with them and upon his return to the flat he hugged me close.  
“Thank you so much,” he said as he hastily wiped his tears away, “I never meant for that to happen so quickly but I know she understands and I can’t begin to describe how relieved I am.” He looked close to tears again and I brought him to the sofa where I sat back so he could rest his head on the top of my chest. I stroked his hair slowly, feeling so at peace and wondering how my own children would react to the same news. I think he fell asleep for a while but he woke after a while and looked at me sleepily, so happy that he was here.   
“You’re here and we’re together,” he said, smiling so widely my heart skipped a beat. He really was gloriously beautiful. “Let’s celebrate,” he said suddenly.  
“What did you have in mind?” I asked.  
“Dinner and dancing,” he said, his eyes twinkling.  
“Sounds wonderful but…”  
“I know we can’t go dancing, but I know where we can go,” he said mischievously. He didn’t let anything slip but as he started to pack a picnic basket I guessed we were going to the park that was nearest to my flat. As the sun started to set, we walked to the highest point of the park overlooking Wanstead and sat down. A spot near some trees was excluded from view and we settled to eat, Kurt allowing me to feed him cheese, bread and fruit that we had brought with us. We watched as peace settled over the park, darkness spreading, though the full moon illuminated the area we were sitting. After eating his fill he stood suddenly and reached his hand out to take mine.   
“Now we dance,” he whispered close to my ear but I could hear the smile in his voice and I pulled him ever closer. I could hear him sigh as we circled together, holding hands with one warm hand touching each other’s waist. I stroked his side, feeling his warmth and firm body beneath. I couldn’t get enough of him and I knew then that I wouldn’t have to limit myself; I could have as much as he would give me. He started singing quietly near my ear and I smiled as I recognised the song.

Let there be birds  
To sing in the trees,  
Someone to bless me  
Whenever I sneeze.

I joined in for the second verse as we continued to move together to the music in our heads. My body seemed to tingle at his warm presence so close, my hands splayed over his back to bring him closer, my cheek touching his. 

Let there be cuckoos,  
A lark and a dove,  
But first of all, please --  
Let there be love.

“Please let me love you forever,” I whispered in his ear and I could hear him sigh.  
“Oh yes, forever,” he said. 

Never had a single word sounded so sweet in my ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song quoted:  
> 'Let There Be Love' by Nat King Cole


End file.
